Toxic Shame: 3 Ways to Overcome Jumping to Negative Conclusions

Imagine a world where there was no evil or danger. Everything was good and ecstatic.

Would you want to live in such a world?

I bet your answer is a resounding yes.

We all have this form of euphoria where everything is just as it should be.

I’ll allow you to get into that world for a moment.

In your perfect world, what would that look like?

Have you experienced the emotions that come with it?

Ok. Let’s switch things up a bit.

In your current reality, is it possible to have a replica of your euphoric world?

If it’s possible either by a whole or an inch, then why isn’t it a reality?

What I’m about to share with you is one of the reasons why some of the things we fantasize about aren’t in our reality.

Ever heard about shame? Have you ever experienced it?

Well, in a bid not to sound repetitive here, I’ll dig into what shame is. Specifically, what toxic shame is and how it shows up in your life.

Imagine with me here:

Assuming you’re married (if you’re single that is) your spouse fails to show up on time for dinner for the 3rd time in a row even after they vowed to show up 10 minutes earlier.

What would you begin saying to yourself?

Let me take a quick couple of guesses:

• “My husband/wife doesn’t love me anymore.”

• “I knew that his/her job is more important than me”

• “Oh my gosh! It is true. I’m not an interesting person to be around”

• “My marriage is falling apart and I think I’m partly to blame”

• “He/she is getting back at me for xxx”

What happens right after such statements in our heads, is we tend to believe the assumptions and treat them as truth without any form of proof whatsoever!

We are very good at checking the road before we cross or make a turn in our cars. We counter-check financial transactions but we hardly ever question our thoughts.

We tend to jump to negative conclusions.

Why is that?

I tend to believe that toxic shame plays a huge role.

What is Toxic Shame?

Toxic shame is a message playing in your subconscious saying that you’re worthless and as a result, the feeling of humiliation, embarrassment, and smallness follows.

The message behind toxic shame is that there’s something wrong with you. It becomes dangerous when that thought turns into a belief.

Toxic shame is a key player in jumping to negative conclusions about situations and people.

What potential shame messages come to mind before jumping to negative conclusions?

Is it anything like the hypothetical examples above?

Toxic Shame has to do with your core identity and a negative belief about yourself.

Toxic Shame attacks who you are and not what you do.

In their book Loving God and Myself, authors and counselors Jerry and Denise Basel say this about toxic shame:

“The problem with toxic shame is that those who are under its control experience much of life through its filter.

For example, when someone tries to share something corrective in nature with such a

person, they will probably have a very difficult time receiving it the right way.

They may end up either berating themselves or the other person, even if they only do so internally.

Or maybe the next time they will work extra hard so that they don’t have to face the possibility of looking inadequate or inferior.

The toxic shame in them screams, ‘avoid shame at all cost.’

Toxic shame can destroy relationships or cause serious damage to them because people often fall into the trap of what’s not true.

The real issue is no longer the issue.

Living in toxic shame keeps one from being emotionally honest with themselves. Because of that, it’s hard to see themselves in the situation, it’s hard to reconcile issues with them.”

Where does toxic shame come from?

From several places do we pick up on shame that becomes an integral part of our identity.

Experiences we’ve had as early as in childhood that mostly happens in the context of relationship affects us well into our adulthood if we haven’t dealt with the issues.

Parenting that was abusive either physically or emotionally contributes to toxic shame.

Maybe the parenting or upbringing may not have been ostensibly abusive but the actions were equally as detrimental. Passive-aggressive actions count here.

It may not even be limited to the upbringing but the circumstances around your growing up.

Perhaps you were surrounded by lack or illness within your family.

Either way, it affected your identity negatively.

Such experiences send the message to a child that you don’t belong or deserve love, affection, prosperity, and the good things in life.

Love and belonging are core to our being. It’s abnormal to be in unloving relationships and yet we tolerate so much of this.

What happens is that this shame faithfully stays with us way into our adulthood. We learn to function from a place of shame because we live in it.

What’s the Difference Between Shame and Guilt?

These two emotions are often confused with one another.

The easiest way to tell the difference between the two emotions is:

Guilt tells you, “That thing you did was wrong.”

Shame tells you, “Because you did that thing, you’re a bad person.”

Shame attacks the individual’s identity or sense of self.

Your confidence suffers from this deep-seated emotion that affects the way you see yourself.

We’ve all experienced shame in our lives at different points but toxic shame, though, comes from constantly being told you’re not enough and sometimes that voice is your own.

Dangers of Toxic Shame

The effects of toxic shame can be detrimental to relationships, especially to significant ones.

If not addressed early, toxic shame can spell the end of relationships for entirely unsupported and untrue reasons.

Shame is behind these two common symptoms:

• Withdrawal. You curl up in a ball and disappear when you feel shame. Shame makes you feel like you’re not good enough, and all you want to do is hide.

• Anger. Because you feel emotional pain, you become angry to try to aim your pain away from yourself. Such individuals tend to escalate when confronted.

What’s often missed as a coping mechanism from the evil gremlin of toxic shame is perfectionism.

What’s often missed as a coping mechanism from the evil gremlin of toxic shame is perfectionism.

Perfectionism is a mask worn to protect oneself from feeling inadequate, vulnerable, incorrect, and is a means to avoid being shamed.

How to Recover From Toxic Shame and Inevitably not Jumping to Negative Conclusions

1. Practice the statement “That’s Not What It Means”

The effects of toxic shame can be controlled by a simple formula that is described in the book Loving God and Myself as “That’s not what it means”.

Like in the previous examples, the thoughts running in your mind can be challenged with the “that’s not what it means” statement.

If you’re thinking that your supervisor doesn’t appreciate the work you do because they didn’t compliment you when you expected them to, instead of jumping to the conclusion that they don’t value you and your work, try saying to yourself that’s not what it means until you have actual proof that they don’t value you and your work.

In some situations, it’s a lot trickier than the example above, especially where the event has occurred several times.

In the hypothetical situation above, if the supervisor is in the habit of failing to appreciate them and instead are quick to give correction, then the individual under their leadership will begin feeling that they’re not appreciated, perhaps even not liked.

This then becomes their truth even if their thoughts may be entirely false!

It eventually leads to feelings of resentment, underperformance, and an array of many other issues. It’s downhill from there.

Again, the solution would be to say to oneself that the action and statement aren’t what it means until proven otherwise.

It’s at this point that one needs not be quick to jump to negative conclusions but allow for further investigation into the matter.

2. Question Your Thoughts

Besides saving a relationship from a potential loss, questioning one’s thoughts around an unsupported issue also saves you from the emotional torment of going through shame.

It’s too much of a burden to subject oneself to such painful feelings when it’s not true!

Can you imagine finding out that all those thoughts you had about your supervisor or friend weren’t true but they were creations of your toxic shame? Humbling, right?

But humans are interesting beings, they would rather suffer the torment of untrue thoughts than challenge them by taking up the issue and confronting it squarely, which is less painful if you were to ask me.

However, there is a reason for such kind of unhealthy behavior, which I won’t get into at this point.

3. Practice Self-Compassion

Another helpful way of dealing with toxic shame is by practicing self-compassion.

Have compassion for yourself.

Perfectionists, now commonly known as the #1’s in the enneagram are especially culprits of this type of behavior.

They are so critical of themselves and as a result, they end up being judgmental towards others.

They have such high standards, that God Himself doesn’t hold them up to.

Realizing that you’re imperfect and are prone to making mistakes teaches you to be compassionate towards yourself.

Everyone has flaws and makes mistakes. Even if it seems like your mistakes were huge, accept that you’re only human.

Learn from the past, but don’t get stuck in it.

4. Become Aware of your Self-talk

It also helps to listen to your thoughts. Along with other helpful tips, I address this in an article I wrote on Internal dialogue.

I encourage you to read it if you want to learn how to overcome negative self-talk.

You Can Heal

Your toxic shame may be deep-rooted but it’s curable.

I believe that long-lasting healing happens in loving relationships.

Practice the tips shared in this blog consistently, turn to people who can offer a shoulder to lean on in your healing journey and you’ll be well on your way to freedom and wholeness.

My question to you is, “What step will you take to deal with the toxic shame in your life?”

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Cheers!